Did you or have you ever dreamt of becoming a single mom? Or a single dad? I don't know anyone and I believe that nobody wants to venture into the difficult (yet rewarding) world of being a single parent. I mean, come on. Who does, right?
It's been more than 4 years that I am a single mom to a wonderful daughter. I had her when I was 18. His dad and I were young and when I got pregnant, everything changed. He became cold and eventually broke up with me. I didn't know what to do. Well, I knew I had to tell my parents. But I was just so afraid. Afraid of the fact that I am going to disappoint them. Afraid of the fact that I can't live my life how I dream it would be. Afraid of the fact that people will judge me. Afraid of the fact that I am not prepared for whatever is coming my way. I was hopeless, lost and uncertain.
I had to tell my mom. I can still remember her face when I told her. The face of anguish, disappointment and fear. I knew I broke her heart. It was heartbreaking to see her that way too. My boyfriend just broke up me with and I'm pregnant. My parents were crying and it was the first time that I've ever felt so... I don't know how to describe it. Miserable perhaps? And I was just really mad at my ex-boyfriend for dumping me and leaving me in the situation. I couldn't blame him though. I love him but I wasn't in love with him anymore. But, duh? I was pregnant and he left me just like that. Should he be expecting me to be happy?
Fast forward. We got back together few months before I gave birth(Yeah. Stupid move. I know.) I moved in to their house and I can say that we were not like before. I honestly didn't want to get back with him but I was still young that time and I didn't want my daughter to grow without a father. I knew how it felt because even if I have my dad, he worked overseas when I was young so, literally, I didn't have any father figure growing up and I didn't want that to happen to my child. Few months after I gave birth, he broke up with me again. This time I didn't reconcile with him anymore. I didn't want to hold on because I knew in my heart that our relationship won't work and that he isn't worth it. I just wanted him to be a father to my child. That's all.
When me and my daughter went home to my parents, I thought I was going to be okay. Well, I was okay at first but when I had to go out and bring my daughter to her doctor or just go out, it wasn't okay. The way people were staring at me and my child was crushing me to pieces. Most of the time I wanted to break down in public. I didn't want to go out anymore. I stayed at home for as long as I can remember.
Being a single mom was harder than I thought. I had to be emotionally strong and I wasn't. I can still vividly remember the first two years of my daughter. Those were sleepless nights for me. I kept crying pity for myself and what happened to me. I kept on thinking what others called me. "Disgrasyada," an irresponsible daughter, etc. I was hurting because I knew they were true. It was my fault in the first place. I didn't have a choice but to deal with it.
Everytime I get the chance to talk to other people, there's always this certain question that they always ask. And that my friend is: "Where's the father?" I used to holdback whenever I answer. It felt like I want to cry before answering that certain question. I knew I had to do something.
I didn't want to live a miserable life. What did I do? I faked a smile. Yes. That's what I did. And faking a smile helped me a lot. I was happy but it didn't really show because probably I was too emotional back then so I forced myself to be happy. I had to be happy because I have my happiness. Just beside me eating a cone of chocolate ice cream all over her face. And she is the reason why I am stronger than before. She is the reason why I am not holding any grudge. She is the reason why I am thankful that I met his dad. She's my life and I love her with all my heart.
It's been 4 years since I experienced my roller coaster ride of accepting the fact that, indeed, I am a mother. I am a single mother and I am proud. I am proud, happy and contented like never before. All of my fears before, they did happen. And I faced them. My fear of disappointing my parents, living my life how I dreamed it would be and the judgement of people, now all gone. I am not afraid anymore. I have my parents' support and I'm living a new dream for me and my daughter. Those people who judged, still judging and are going to judge me? I don't care about them. They don't matter to me.
So, if you were like me, a single mom or dad, or a single parent in general, just always remember: "This too shall pass."
Be strong. Hold on to your child/children. Build dreams together and be there for each other. I am no pro when it comes to parenting but I am learning. There will never be a manual on how to be a perfect parent. Nobody is and nobody will. Just be the best for your child and that's what will matter.
Congratulations to you, to us, to all single parents who are trying, striving and surviving to be the best parents they can be to their lovely children.
So there you have it. It's quite a long post but I hope I helped you in some way.
Wishing you all the best in life.