When I had my child, things changed between me and my ex-boyfriend. And by change, I mean a drastic change. I am not really sure if it's only me or both of us but things weren't the same as before. This is probably because even before I knew I was pregnant I already fell out of love. Don't get me wrong here. I knew I love my ex-boyfriend back then. It's just that I realized I wasn't "inlove" anymore. I love him but I cared less and then things didn't really work out. I had to blame myself too. Everything was forced and we weren't happy. The only thing I hate about the breakup was that it felt so unfair. Unfair in a sense that it felt like I was so alone. We were living with his family and I am there alone. Well, not literally because I have my baby but you know, I wanted to go home and hug my mom and cry and cry. But I couldn't! I felt so crushed inside. I can't explain how I felt even until now. I was crying. I curled up like a fetus, crying like a whale without any noise coming out of my throat! I was hurting so bad.
Sorry for the image. Too funny! Anyway...
My ex-boyfriend was the one who broke up with me. Yeah, I was dumped. I got really mad at him not because I wanted us to be together for the sake of us being a family but for the fact that he left me hanging. With a baby. With our baby. I hated him so much but I didn't want to blame him. I knew I was also at fault for letting things happen that way.
Did I forget to mention that right when he broke up with me, I found out that he was liking a certain girl? I'm not sure about that because I didn't bother to know anymore. I was just so upset because it felt like he wanted to be with another girl more than us, his family. I don't really know if he was intentionally doing that or what. But one thing is for sure, I knew that we, me and my daughter, don't deserve him. It wasn't the right time for him to be a father.
Fast forward: I went back home to my parents and I just thank the heavens for giving me a loving and understanding family. Honestly, there wasn't a single night for the first couple if months that I didn't cry. Not because my ex-boyfriend broke up with me but because I was scared to fail as a parent.
I forced myself to be a superwoman. I had to work and be a mom. I was breastfeeding too! I was juggling my time and to be frank, I don't know how I managed to do that. I am just beyond grateful because my family is there to support me.
Keeping myself really busy and focusing on my child is the main thing that helped me to move on with everything. But do you know what's the very first thing you need to do? Accept. Accept the fact that your relationship is over. Accept the fact that you are going to be a single parent. Face the reality and stop making your list of "if only's" because those are regrets and they are not going to help. If you accomplish that, everything is going to be easier. Set your goals and make your child an inspiration.
You know, after all this time, I am thankful for everything that happened. If not because of what he did to me, I wouldn't have the biggest joy in my life. If not because of what happened to us, I wouldn't know that I can be this strong. If not because of our breakup, I wouldn't understand the world as it is. Even if my ex-boyfriend and I are not literally okay, I thank him for coming into my life. I've learned so much without him knowing and that's one thing I am very happy about. I just hope he feels the same way. If not, then it's alright. As long as I am happy myself, it doesn't really matter. We may not be okay now but I know someday we will be. Not to be together again but to just be thankful for coming to each other's lives.